needy human being

here’s the thing about a break-up: you don’t just “get over it.” everyone else gets that but me.

but here’s the truth, i want to get over it. i want to stop feeling vulnerable, and shattered, and sometimes good, and then emotional again. i want to move on. i want to stabilize. i want to get my shit together, to feel strong again. i don’t want to worry about someone saying or doing something really sweet or thoughtful or kind and me ending up in a puddle on the floor. i want to have energy and not feel like i need to sleep extra hours during the night (or day, let’s be honest). i want to have the money i need to get the place i need and the car i need. i want to have it all together so i never, ever, ever have to ask for help.

but i don’t/cant/won’t/haven’t….not yet.

i’m a needy human being. perhaps i always was. but i wasn’t allowed to be, or haven’t had the space to be, or, let’s just be real honest, haven’t been brave enough to be. to simply ask for what i need.

and i need a lot right now. i need safe places to take naps and be honest and cry. sometimes i need to build a fort. sometimes i need a smoke. sometimes i need money or a meal or just a ride. i need a lot. and i can’t help that. i can’t make it instantly better. i just don’t have the resources to fix it all.

i hope that will change. i foresee it changing, getting better with time.

but for now, i’m needy. and that is all.

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One thought on “needy human being

  1. And in amongst all that is the fear that drives it. It is something that we develop in childhood, a coping strategy to survive a feeling of rejection or feeling unloved. And throughout life we live with that fear anchored into all our actions, on guard so we never have to face that feeling of fear.
    The journey in its perfection slowly bring you to this point in your life where you feel everything has gone to hell in a hand basket, our emotions are all over the place and nothing seems to be working. This is your time. This is a moment where you don’t wish to live in such pain any more. No more sleepless nights, joyless hours and a sickness in the pit of your stomach from the stress.
    You are now wanting to find some answer, some meaning to why all of this is happening. Find who you really are in amongst this crazy dream.
    And there is an answer, of which many people go looking for, until finally realising that that answer is inside us. Waiting until you are ready, reach this point and really want to move out from a life stunted by that fear, and reach for something that has much more meaning.
    This is best done with a good spiritual counsellor as you need to be guided through your life to understand exactly what fear you have covered over and hidden in such a way that you have convinced yourself that there is nothing there, there is nothing wrong and the world is out to grind you into the dust. That is a sure signal that your avoiding it. And we all do it…and I mean ALL. Our journey requires that we go through this because the outcome of its release allows us to see the falseness of our lives up to that point, the actions we chose, the things we tell ourselves and others, the living of a life that was all based on that fear.
    When found the release and relief is instant as we recognise what has been hidden beneath our lives. You will cry out such a grief in that instant of understanding…and the relief is like dropping a 50 kilogram pack that you have carried around on your back forever. And everything changes. And I mean everything because you do realise how you were this person living from such a false place and it comes out when you were cleaning your teeth, doing the shopping, working or just walking in the park. All your thinking and actions were driven by that fear. You don’t know any other way. And suddenly it is gone. You have now reached a point of the unknown because from here on in it is totally up to you what you wish to create. Before was driven by that fear. It no longer exists. Your life is now free, open and totally yours to do as you wish without the struggle of that weight. A little confusing at first because your so used to another life, but now more relaxed, more at peace and so much more accepting of who you are within. Because what went before was driven by a low self worth, that rejection or unloved feeling that had been a part of your life until this point. You now lose those feelings as they were driven by that fear, so that you do feel a love for self, a total acceptance within, a need now to have more meaning in your life and be a truth to yourself and others.
    And this is the fears total purpose, it has much meaning. It has taken you through much pain on your journey so that when this point is reached, you do find who you really are within, and that discovery begins the beauty and awareness of who you truly are and what you now wish to become. That love blossoms into a happiness that no longer is touched by the pain of this world because of what you now have been through and understand. Life will still have its ups and downs, but it no longer will have that pain of now because of what you now know and feel from that finding of the love within.
    So now my friend, your spirit within will now guide you to someone to help you find that fear that has been the driver of your life forever. It is time for you to become what you really are within and begin a journey with so much more meaning and happiness. It will take a little time to absorb this change, but I guarantee you, you will never look back. That part of your life will no longer be. Now it is time to create the beauty that you want for you. Have faith, and above all, believe in you.
    I send you blessings, love and light that your path finds all of this and more, for I know its truth as I have been through this and helped many on this path.

    Namaste

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