i’m in the weird in-between.
in-between a girlfriend, and the labels that lay beyond. in-between a temporary house-guest and full-time roommate. in-between an entry level associate and a potential promotion. in-between the dysfunctional individual of days past and the healthy person of my future.
B. had hernia surgery on Monday this week and, coming off a very (VERY) full weekend, i found myself easily and quickly exhausted. beyond belief. i even went to bed on Tuesday and found myself in tears. in was incredibly hard to go to balance working with aiding in the recovery of my love. i arranged for people we both knew to be with him, but that did not satisfy me. i wanted to be home, to help him get his medications and take care of the house, continually finding myself between both work and home.
a strange sort of anxiety fell over me today and it became impossible to shut my mind down. i deeply appreciate this relationship and am satisfied, overall, with where we are. but occasionally, the old voices, the ones that “instructed” me while growing up about what a relationship “should” look like and how a “relationship” should go, creep up and do battle with my current reality.
the result: a conflicted me, caught between the old ideals of a naive teenager and the present choices of an experienced adult.
“don’t judge,” said a friend, as i poured out my anxieties. “just enjoy where you are. don’t assign judgment or you’ll have to endure the anxiety.” with those words, a great wave of relief came over me and i was able to again look at my situation with grace and acceptance again.
this eve, as B. and i discussed how i would assimilate into his house, our expectations and desires and plans came pouring out.
“becoming a couple is hard,” i noted, and his agreement reminded me of one the things i appreciate so much about our relationship: we can talk through these hard(er) issues and B. doesn’t take offense. he comforts and reaffirms me, and i know, ultimately, i can count on him in between the now and then.