i was 29 before i saw either of my parents in love. i didn’t realize how powerfully important that would be to me until the moment came. it was a simple moment, when my dad was in the hospital. my sister volunteered to stay at the hospital with my dad, giving my stepmom the night off. as she leaned down to kiss him good-bye, and he lifted his face up to hers, eyes closed, waiting, i saw a different side of my dad i didn’t recognize. with my sister and i, he was always strong, telling us to drive home safely, text when we arrived, but with my stepmom he was soft, squishy.
he’s in love, i thought.
i’ve recently started dating a good friend of mine, and we’ve just recently begun to realize how much we mean to each other. it’s a situation i’ve never experienced, a deep kind of love with someone who respects and cares for me. someone i can easily share life with. it’s scary and elating all at the same time.
we’ve had a great week together so far, going for a run, watching a movie and snuggling on the couch. he even made me dinner after a long day at work. this morning, however, a gray cloud settled over me, despite sharing a wonderful breakfast together. i couldn’t shake the feeling that i wanted to cry, and couldn’t pinpoint why. the feeling stuck with me and so, as i drove to work, i decided to call my dad.
“this is going to sound like a stupid question,” i said, awkwardly. “do you ever feel so loved by Patty that you want to cry?”
“yes,” he said, without hesitation. “sometimes i think about losing her and i’ll tear up. there’s a recovery period, you know, when you haven’t ever had that.” he paused. “it’s cool you feel that way, though.” i couldn’t respond through my tears.
recover period about sums it up, though. the sweet goodness of this situation, while making me incredibly happy, also has a keen way of magnifying all the time before when i didn’t have the kind of care and attention B. gives me now. there is a kind of mourning in partnership with the joy, as i realize just all the i’ve been missing. and all that i have now before me. i suddenly have so much to lose.
John’s words come back to me…
i’ve been lonely but i know i’ll be ok
good love is on the way.
fortunately, good love is here. may the brightness of it bring healing to many days spent in the shadows.