“how many of you are motivated by money?” my trainer at work asked this week.
of course, several people eagerly raised their hands and waited to hear how of opportunities for them to get more of the green.
i considered the question and, while i initially thought to raise, immediately knew better. i’m not motivated by money. obviously. if i were, i would have spent the last 7 years post-college trying to actually make some.
the question, without an easy answer, settled into my bones and began to gnaw at my subconscious. what am i motivated by, i began to wonder.
at one point in my life, i would have welcomed the idea of living into my “calling” as my primary motivation. but calling can change, can be seasonal and temporary. it can manifest itself as a primary vocation, or can run in the background of our lives. wherever it is, though, it can be what motivates me. perhaps i’m just disillusioned. we’ll see.
in this season, paying my bills is motivation. doing a good job, feeling settled, rooting myself, loving myself…these are all motivations. but if i’m truly honest, i would have to say my primary motivating factory is…
the approval of others.
i would like to say that i’m above this, but when push comes to shove, what others may or may not think about something has a great affect on whether (or not) i do something.
this may come as a shock to those who know me as the strong-willed, outspoken chica who, as a friend once kindly put it, “makes those around me deal with me.” but it’s true. beneath that bold exterior is a scared little girl who just wants everyone to like her. to tell her she’s agreeable and loveable and great.
it’s so embedded in the fabric of who i am that, while i long for something different, i’m not yet sure how to uproot this “need.” for now, i will continue to mull over the idea of “loving myself” well, listening to myself and responding with gentleness and love. this is sometimes all that is left within our power to do.