it might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
either way, i wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life.
am i living it right?
have you ever felt like you were out-growing your life?
like a shirt that just doesn’t fit like it used to, snuggly pulling on my shoulders. a pair of pants that crops up the leg. it’s not enough of an issue that the clothes have to be changed immediately, but it’s uncomfortable.
i look around me, at all the pieces so familiar. the pictures, the habits, the traditions. i want so badly to find my place in them still, but i can’t. i want to feel at home in them, but find my definition of “home” ever-evolving. my priorities are going through great upheaval. so much so that these clothes of my life don’t fit. what’s most frustrating is that i don’t know quite yet what to trade them out for. it is an interesting tension.
my quarter-life crisis.
several months ago i confessed the hopelessness of my financial situation to my house community, and they graciously received me. one chick offered to give financial advice, another offered a part-time job, and still another caught my student loans up for me. i knew i was in trouble then, but was convinced this was the path for me.
then i filed my taxes for last year. and i nearly fell below the poverty line. it was like a cold splash of water in my face. i sobered up.
i started to reevaluate where my life is, where it’s going, what i want to be a part of it, what i don’t want. since then, i’ve been seeing my life through this perspective and much of it isn’t fitting.
i need to make more money. and i need to not feel guilty about that. i need to pay my debt, and i need to not think twice about using my money for that purpose. i want the opportunity to plan and afford to travel. and the truth is, i’m no good to others if i can’t take care of myself. i can’t keep expecting others to shoulder my burden.
it’s time to take responsibility.
i am on a mission.
and this bohemian/hippie/care-free-it-doesn’t-matter-how-much-i-make life just isn’t cutting it.
the wind is blowing in another direction and i’ve adjusted my sails. time to move.