i have to admit, i’ve been a bit squirmy since my last post. i’ve resisted the urge half a dozen times to go back and delete/hide/wipe away any trace of the admittance of certain things. why does being vulnerable create such dramatic reactions in me?
for too much of my life, i’ve lived under the adage, “better safe than sorry.” like most, real risk, the type of risk that would facilitate deep change and healing, is “unsafe” and just beyond me. pain and past woundings remind me that being in those places hurts and leaves me with an overall sense of powerlessness. “play it safe,” a voice, though i don’t know where it’s come from, consistently prods. “don’t open up, don’t share yourself, don’t be honest….,” it continues. “just play it safe. stay here on the edge of the water.”
as i was discussing with a friend this morning, we are not encouraged to be uncomfortable. everything about our culture stresses convenience, easy and immediate access, comfortability and safety. the thing is about those, though, is their is no end to attaining them. i am certainly not against safety in that we should all just play with dangerous, life-threatening situations…but when is enough? we wear seat belts, sure, then install side-airbags, then outlaw phone use while driving, then only drive during the day…you could really go on and on.
this happens on all levels of our person–emotional, relational, physical and, worst of all, spiritual. we disengage, we build walls, we flee to the suburbs, we shut off. we forget. we stay “safe” in fortresses we’ve built around ourselves.
on a different note, a friend recently remarked that i seem to “need a platform,” which i had to laugh, as that is usually what these blog posts end up being. which is also why it was incredibly hard, probably, to write a post that was real and so close to home. and wasn’t me “preaching.” he suggested i push into public speaking and writing, which truly does get my heart pumping, i just don’t know where to start…so we shall see.
today, i am just contenting myself with a generally feeling of malaise and melancholy. this means lots of Band of Horses, Ben Harper and Fleet Foxes. i won’t complain.