i recently discovered a circle of blogs initiated by Joy, who started a blogging project titled Life:Unmasked. i loved the concept and have been looking for an opportunity to share. now, you who know me/my writing know i am fairly unmasked as it is, so it my challenge became to really expose an area of my life that doesn’t get attention or air time. i am generally frank in my posts, but i can easily hide behind that and say it’s good enough.
as i was chatting with my sis tonight, my first life:unmasked topic came up….my dating life. (boo…hisss…screech)
truth be told, there really hasn’t been much of a dating life in my adulthood. i’ve gone a few dates here and there, and have definitely had dates with people i’ve been in relationship with. but i tend to either jump right in, going from 0-60 in two weeks, or hold back and just have random make-outs.
then, today, a new friend asks me to hang out and my mind starts racing, back and forth, back and forth. questions spewing forth like lava. do i pay, does he pay? what should i wear? what will we talk about? is this even a date? again, what should i wear? what if i feel stupid? what if he tries to kiss me? what if this isn’t a date at all?
breathe, i tell myself. pause. then more questions.
“i don’t know dating ettiquette!” i hopelessly compain to my sister. is this even a date, that little voice questions again. she just chuckles.
“you what makes dating hard,” i finally conclude. “it’s that i really just want a boy in my bed.” she laughs, but i’m dead serious. i don’t even necessarily want to have sex (though that would be nice), i just want a man there, to hold me, to be present. this makes a potential date all that more stressful, as i try to resist daydreaming.
stay in the moment, i plead with myself. don’t make more of this than is necessary. think RATIONALLY! but it’s too late. my desert-parched soul has run away at the slightest hint of rain clouds.
i sometimes wish the whole physical intimacy weren’t even a part of the equation, that it weren’t such a big damn deal to just do with your body what you wanted. it is, however. confusion is introduced when situations happen outside their context (ie. random make-outs), feelings get involved (regardless of how adamantly you swear they won’t), and people get hurt. i’ve lived through enough bad/selfish/impulsive decisions to know. fortunately, their scars restrain me.
where do i go from here? not sure, really. i thought after all these years, all these decisions with their consequences, would grow me up. turns out we’re all just crazy junior high kids when it comes to situations with the opposite sex…crazy, emotional, giddy, hormones raging…
so there it is….my dating life unmasked. it’s a hot mess, really. one i hope God can redeem and bring beauty from despite my stumbling….