(so sorry for the cheesy country song line…it’s just what came up when i was brainstorming a title….)
i haven’t posted in awhile, but that is not for lack of things to write about. life has been full, for sure. the gallery has launched (you can read more about it here), Kelley and i moved to a house just around the block, our community is adjusting to having two houses, finding (paying) work continues to present challenges, and the list goes on and on….
this week, i’ve played nanny to a delightful 13-month-old who’s regular sitter was on vacation. from early morning to early evening everyday this week, we’ve played, danced, talked, had meals, ran errands, and took naps together. he was also subsequently teething, so i spent a lot of time soothing frustrated tears. definitely built up my mommy arms.
i have to admit, there was a bit of let-down as i handed over the car seat this evening. because as exhausted as i’ve been and weary to the bone (how do real parents do this?!), i’ve gotten to know that little guy. his mannerisms, his characteristics, how he responds in public, what makes him laugh. there’s a sad sort of emptiness in knowing my future days will not be dictated by his schedule.
on a different note, i’ve been struggling tremendously with finances. leaving my job, and working for the coffee shop and starting the gallery were all things i feel very sure of in doing, but they’ve come with a heavy cost. growing up the way i did, in the culture we have, that both promoted self-sustainability as god, i have been a good little girl and haven’t shared how completely broken my situation is.
i felt a nudging last week to share with my community what i’m struggling with. i fought this, even to the very minute i said it outloud. not because i don’t trust them, but because counter-voices kept popping up, telling me i would be judged and labeled. that i would be considered irresponsible and that i should just “get a job.”
the first questions one of the guys asked was, “do you feel like you’re exactly where you are, doing exactly what you should be doing?” i started crying, and could barely eek out a “yes.” because i do, and the hardest thing to digest in sharing my situation with others is that they might suggest i just do what it takes to pay my bills, instead of being risky and really living into the situation God has placed before me.
so then the brainstorming came. one friend offered me a possible part-time job, another budgeting advice and to begin praying for a wealthy benefactor, while another laid out a beautiful vision of someone using their abundance of resources to fund my work with the gallery. it was a beautiful conversation. instead of feeling left out in the cold with lofty expectations to “pick myself up by the bootstraps,” i was loved and supported and encouraged to keep seeking out what God might do in this situation.
awhile ago, like several years back, God whispered something revolutionary to me: “i have all the resources in the world. don’t you think if i wanted to, i could take care of any expense, pay any debt in a heartbeat?” yes, i thought. “then trust me.”
i am still learning how to trust Him in this, but am coming to a better place. and starting to believe not only that He can, but maybe that He actually wants to. that maybe He wants to free me just as much as i am longing to be free. and maybe, just maybe, hope is still alive that the church can be the church for one another, a place where all are provided for and everyone is freed to live out their God-created identities. it’s not wishful thinking…it’s beautiful dreaming, in a world with a God big enough to set dreams in motion.