i’ve taken the steps set before me. moved through endings and new beginnings. worked through endless 6-day weeks, trying to balance two different work situations. busted myself trying to wrap up loose ends, training a new employee on my job, making sure she had anything she could ever need. and all that led me…here.
wherever “here” is. i find i have a hard time indentifying the season i’m in until it’s nearly over, and this one is no exception. suddenly, i have only a very part-time commitment in terms of scheduled hours to a job. i do have hours and hours of independent work to do, but all this is on my own time and schedule. i went from having to rise at 6 am sharp to get a run/shower/food in before my 30-minute commute; now i can wake whenever i want. run whenver i want. make an elaborate breakfast and read an article while i sip my coffee. i can bike to the pool in the middle of the day and have afternoon tea.
this all sounds like i dream, i know, but i honestly don’t know what to do with myself. i just don’t know what to do. all this free time, i am quite aware, leads to no income of any sort. the next season, though, will demand large amounts of my time, and during strange times, so i am hesitant to commit to even another part-time job, in fear that i will just end up quitting or it will take away from the Gallery, etc. i keep seeking out God but mum’s the word.
something deep down whispers, just be.
just be. such a foreign concept in our society of productivity. to be honest, i don’t even know what that means. for so long, my value has depended on what/how much i could produce.
i’ve been babysitting this eve, spending time with a beautiful 9-mo-old, and if there’s one thing babies know how to do, it’s BE. after dinner, i pulled the stroller outside and plopped him down in it, ready to take a walk. he smiled as i strapped him in and stuck a finger in his mouth to relieve his gums of the pain of incoming teeth. all through the walk, he sat still, never making a noise. he had no clue where we were going, what he would see, if we’d be back in time for his beloved bottle , if i would accidentally run us both over a cliff. none of that concerned him. he trusted me and so felt content to be.
perhaps that is the key to this practice of being. if i believe i have a good God who wouldn’t lead down a path only to abandon me at the end, then i can trust the ride i’m on. i don’t know where we’re going, what i’ll see, what will be needed from me or if i’ll have money to move into that little two-bedroom apartment i’ve been salivating over. He does, though…i don’t claim to understand it or Him or even this process, but i am learning to trust. i am learning to be….
so be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. live carefree before God, he is most careful with you.
-1 peter 5:6-7