good-bye’s and hello’s

and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time
you will wave hello again…
you just might wave hello again.
john mayer

the New Year holiday is such a strange one, full of contradicting emotions.  on the one hand, you grieve the end of a year, and on the other you celebrate the promise of a new beginning.  you reflect over those things you wish you had done in your year, those things that it will be sad to say good-bye to.  you make new promises to make this year better, to eat better or exercise more.  you note how quickly time passes as one more December, one more Christmas, one more year is over.  you also note how slow those things you want seem in coming, that job promotion, that special person…how could it be one more December, one more Christmas, one more year without it?

i do not generally spend a lot of time reflecting at the New Year, mostly because i really enjoy doing that on my birthday, measuring my journey by the age i was and not necessarily the year.  but i do like to do a bit of goal-setting (i never use the word resolution because it seems to finite, not nearly flexible enough for my lifestyle or personality).  in that vein, here are some goals:

as i mentioned in my last post, writing has become a sort of saving grace for me.  as a friend once said when introducing me to a group, i have a “rich inner life.”  the best way for me to process is to let it overflow onto the page.  i also promised to work on my grandmother’s memoirs, i have a novel that needs some severe love and attention, and i’d like to try my hand at writing an allegory.  those are my three writing goals.

to be completely honest, at this stage in the journey, i’d like to quit Training School.  not because i’m anxious about it as i was at the beginning, or overwhelmed even, but because it does not seem that it could possibly have anything more to offer me.  i’m tired of it.  but it is as if i am in the middle of a 50-mile hike, right at mile 26 or 27, and to quit would mean nothing…i would have to go the way i came or continue on, it’s the same distance.  so i will continue to trudge on.  even though i see no sun here, and the rock walls climb high into the sky to block my view.

otherwise, i want to be more open to Jesus, to however he might present himself to me, be that through a loving yoga instructor or someone experiencing homelessness on the streets of Indy.  God has had me on such a journey of self-discovery and God-discovery and i look forward to pushing into those more, learning more about who i was created to be and living into that person.  i feel this is the only way to fully relate to and love those around me, to set them free to be their true selves as well.

this will be a big year for running, i can feel it.  i am already registered to run the Mini in May, as are many of my friends, which will be a new and exciting experience.  i love that race and the training will be good to keep my body in shape.  i’ve also decided that i will get a star tattoo on the arch of my foot for every half i run, as a sort of trophy.  i’ve got three already to put on there…excited to have 4!

i went to my first yoga class yesterday, a hot yoga class, and it was amazing.  i felt horrible in the midst of it as the combination of the poses and the heat worked to detox my body of too much vodka from the night before.  but as i moved through the poses, slowly and disjointed, as i breathed and began to notice the rhythms of my body, i began to feel very centered and grounded.  during one pose, the instructor asked if there was anything left to let go of, and if so to do it now.  i reached down in the depths and found my wounded heart and began to cry.  i let God hold me.

i remember reading the blog of someone i admire, who is very much into yoga, and she was recalling her “year on the mat.”  as an outsider to yoga, i had no idea what she meant.  but the mat does seem to be a place where transforming things happen, where you can come face to face with yourself and surrender it to God.

that being said, i would like to continue in the practice of yoga.  many women i admire and respect practice yoga so there must be something to it…we shall see.

so, here’s to 2011.  to yours, and to mine.
may it be a year filled with new hope,
new growth and new life.
may you find peace amidst the storms,
and love amidst the conflict.
may you not be overcome by chaos,
but find beauty in simplicity.


One thought on “good-bye’s and hello’s

  1. I just woke u from a really painful bad dream. Have pray to the Lord for help sorting through what deep down caused this but still afraid to go to sleep. so i decide to reading your postings. I find inspiration in how honest you r with yourself in your soul searching and trying to understand your ” Why’s” love ya

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