feeling alive again.

it sounds blasphemous to say this, but writing has given me a new outlook on life.

ok, i’m being slightly dramatic here, but seriously….i’ve started writing again, and with it by my side, i feel like i can endure just about anything else i need to do.

i did NaNoWriMo last year as a kind of a jump start to write, and on the last day i had a euphoric moment when i hit nearly 8,000 words.  i felt high, in a way, as i savored in my victory, like i could take over the world.  i decided, after such an exhausting month of writing, to take December off and jump back in after the new year.

that proved disastrous.  by the time January rolled around i had lost all steam.  NaNoWriMo came back around this November and i realized i hadn’t written creatively or consistently in nearly a year.  as the month of November came to an end, i realized i would need a game plan or i would repeat this pattern.

so i decided i would get up at 6 am each day and allow for an hour of “creative space,” where i could write, color, read, journal, sometimes run.  whatever feels creative at the time.  it felt very early and very extreme at first.  i set out reading from Julia Cameron, and one of the first things she suggests is “morning pages.” the concept of morning pages is simple…you pull out three blank sheets of paper and start writing, not stopping until they’re full.

initially, this practice had a lot of anxiety tied in as my fears of failure came up again and again.  and again and again i just wrote about them, until now, nearly a month later they don’t surface at all.  at least not during morning pages.  the exercise has been very life-giving actually, and i have lovingly began to call it the time when i “clean out the gutters.”  i plunge my hand into the muck of my life, pulling out the garbage until fresh water flows again.

new ideas have come to me in this time.  i’m going to develop the novel i wrote in November.  i’ve decided that even if it’s horrible, it’s still all mine.  and i’d like to try my hand at allegory…have a great story in the works dealing with the Trinity and the journey of my main character, Broken.  even just thinking about it now makes me excited.

i have been frustrated with the “duties” i must perform in this life for some time–some relationships, work, paying bills–but writing seems to put it all in perspective.  seems to make it all worth it, somehow.

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