in order to lessen my experiences as i move into this period of the training school, i’ve severely reduced my phone plan. that means texting got the ax. that was two weeks ago and i honestly haven’t missed it. without realizing it, having that phone, getting that text, had kept me from the genuine relationships all around begging for my attention. i would while with Kyle, while with my family, while driving (oops). it kept me from being bored, and thus from engaging in conversation. it kept me from being present, which has become a huge theme in my life.
today was my little nephew, Cohen’s, birthday, and it was so nice to just toss my purse and phone aside. i was able to talk and play with little cousins, teach Cohen how to go down the slide. i had conversations and cared about what people were saying. it was nice to be free from the anxiety of that little beep that meant a message was waiting.
we all sat in the living room after the crowd left and dishes were cleaned up, just laughing and loving on the baby. it’s amazing to reflect on a year of life together and see how much we’ve grown to really like each other. step-family is a complicated road to walk, and none of us have been perfect. but love has a way of bringing grace, and grace is so freeing.
now i am resting on the porch, the occasional dog or baby walker passing by, Alexi Murdoch’s sweet voice floating on the air. life is heavy right now….in ways i don’t even know how to explain. i know, from past experiences, that i will look back on this place in the journey as being so rich, so full, but my heart just aches. God is good. this i have to remember or all seems lost.