i learned from the a very early early age how devastating relationships can be. lacking the skills to grasp that can also be very healing, i went into self-preservation mode. like someone who avoids touching a hot stovetop after being burned, so i avoided true intimacy. i’ve spent the majority of my adulthood running.
God really used college and the years following to begin breaking me, then healing me, of this pattern. the most obvious point being when i drove back to Indiana just two weeks after my break-up with an ex. when a mentor gently pointed out that i was running away, i began to realize the depth of my desire to avoid hurting.
this past week held some very vulnerable conversations between Kyle and i, where i shared some things in my past, very personal, deeply hidden things. when i realized the potential he had to hurt me in those moments (this is not saying he did), i recoiled. a deep sense of anger and pain stayed near my surface and, tho i was feeling so low and upset, i couldn’t understand why.
i kept asking God to show me, to help me understand what i was feeling. what He revealed made so much sense…He was holding me to the stovetop. not literally, of course. but for the first time ever, He was not letting me run. He was keeping me close to the perceived source of pain so i would cry out to Him for help, to show me the true source of my pain: myself.
i sense this is the final stage of healing in this area; learning to walk through the pain instead of running from it. of course, i could not do it without Him. and chocolate.