healing pains

i woke up with a migraine this morning.  for those who’ve never had one, it starts like this:

i get a small blur in my vision, little squigglies that keep me from seeing.  it’s almost imperceptible at first, but then grows into a giant circle of squigglies that keep me from being able to read or see things appropriately.

then comes the headache.  pounding, throbbing, something is in there beating me up, headache.  and today’s was a doosy. i went to the chiropractor, hoping a good adjustment would bring some relief.  but the headache was already in full swing so i walked around, a bit like a little kid just wanting to be picked up and rocked to sleep.

after about 5 hours of headache, and falling asleep at my desk, i decided on an early day and came home to sleep.  i slept like i hadn’t slept in days.  i slept like it was my job.  i slept like a fat kid eats cookies…ok, you get it.  i slept hard.

i’ve been up for a couple of hours now, a general weakness and disoriented feeling about me.  in my migraine experience, when a headache wears off, i am left with the “aftershocks.”  i basically feel like a stroke patient–my speech is very intentional because i feel i may slur at any moment, i’m slow and delayed in my movements and thoughts.  i just want to hole up and not see the world again.

so on my way home from a friend’s going away party (i went despite the pain), i became very emotional as i battled with where this migraine is coming from.  like i said, i haven’t had one in a loooonnggg time, due in part mostly because of regular visits to my chiropractor.  i am eating better than ever before, and running.  i’m doing everything right.

then i realized there is this untouchable place in me, deep down, that’s storing some serious emotions.  as i prayed, i felt like a little kid again, just begging him to hold me, to release those emotions, to give me a vision and hope again.

the only conclusion i’ve come to is that i’m in the midst of healing pains.  i’ve cut out sugar and breads, both toxic to my body, but also emotional crutches.  i’m establishing healthy boundaries with loved ones and refocusing my money. working out regularly.  change is abounding.  chains are being broken.  and with that comes healing.  but just a deep wound must hurt before it’s whole, so i am hurting as this healing process takes place. 

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